Carrying things and setting them down

#012: This one is a little different

This week, I discovered the Instagram account girlscarryingshit — not to say I plucked it out of obscurity or put it on the map, I just literally didn’t know it existed before. It’s a hilarious account that shared photographic evidence of just how much shit girls can carry in their hands at one time.

Not to go all Carrie Bradshaw on you (because as I covered last week I am a Miranda), but as I found myself scrolling and giggling through this account, I couldn’t help but wonder: what else do we carry that can’t be photographed and put on IG?

girlscarryingshit

A post shared by @girlscarryingshit

Typically, I spend a little time each day throughout the week to start the building blocks of this newsletter. I jot down things I’m loving and things I’m hating; I laugh to myself as I save IG posts and X or Thread jokes or TikToks I think you all might find funny, too; I find joy in writing a little bit everyday, something I told myself I’d do more of this year (and have!).

But this was not a good week. The idea of writing was making me want to fall apart and cry. The feeling of dreading writing was also making me want to fall apart and cry. Turns out, I’ve been carrying a lot this week — none of which could be photographed and put on IG.

I’ve been carrying stress. In my chest, in my brain, in my work, in my gut, in my tears, on my skin, in my habits, in my kitchen, in my dreams.

I’ve been carrying grief. Grief I haven’t seen in a while, grief I don’t quite understand, grief I cannot bring myself to look directly at.

I’ve been carrying guilt. The words I said and didn’t say, the stuff I did and didn’t do, the plans I made and didn’t make, the internal arguments I refuse to have and thus cannot win, that I’m way behind and that I’m going way too fast.

I’ve been carrying anxiety. About things I know very well, about things I don’t have any idea about, about things that haven’t even happened yet, about things that happened a long time ago, about things my mind is making up all on its own.

I’ve been carrying around loneliness. The heavy kind that fills a room faster and quieter than noxious gas, the silent kind that has a million thoughts and zero words, the dark kind that puts overcast on everything.

I’ve been carrying around shoulds. Because shouldn’t I be over it? Shouldn’t I be different? Shouldn’t I be a bigger person? Shouldn’t this get to me? Shouldn’t I be standing on my own and focusing on the things I can control? Shouldn’t I be better by now?

The idea of casually and easily getting rid of all the things we hold — especially as women — has never seemed realistic to me. But the concept of setting things down just to stretch and rest a moment has seemed within reach. (And of course, a nap can also sometimes help.)

yougivemegoodvibes_

A post shared by @yougivemegoodvibes_

So I tried really hard this weekend to set some of my things down. I barely turned on the TV, I absorbed as little heartbreaking news as possible, I took myself outside for a walk, I ate when I felt hungry not when it was time, I lit my favorite candle I’ve been “saving for a special occasion” (whatever that means), I moseyed around my apartment in PJs, I finally finished a book that I opened 3 weeks ago.

Oh, and I wrote. Not for you all (sorry!) but for me. Something I’d set down what feels like ages ago, and I finally was able to pick back up. I got some words on the page and I stretched my back and it felt pretty okay. So I hope you’ll understand and forgive me for not having the dexterity to pick up cheers, jeers & meres this week — my hands were quite full. 💌

---

That’s all this week! In case you were expecting / hoping for something a little more fun and upbeat this week, sharing some of my fave recent Substack reads for you to enjoy (and leaving you with a pic from my lovely walk this weekend) — bye <3

• The Hyphen by Emma Gannon
  : Nothing like a Slow Sunday Scroll from Emma

• woman who sits by the window
  : I’ve been desperate hungry for Taylor Swift content and this was the perfect fun little dose I needed

• Receipt from the Bookshop
  : These always brighten my day and this week’s was no exception

• Empty Calories
  : Been thinking a lot about piece on how we are what we consume

• Feeling! Magazine
  : I’ve long loved Jenna’s IG content and this lil Substack revamp she’s doing is making me excited for what’s to come

• Downtime
  : This interview w/ Kelsey McKinney about her new book I’m so excited to read (which I mentioned last week!)

• cheers, jeers & meres
  : Just me, plugging my own piece from last week because I thought it was a really fun one

Idk what this tree flower is called but it’s blooming big time in LA right now and made for a truly delightful walk